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Sunday, February 20, 2005
"wrap my words around you"
i'm in love with a new song.
daniel bedingfield's wrap my words around you.
Is it fair to write a song to a woman?
Is it fair play to try and win her heart?
Is it right to bring her sonnets
In the morning time?
To express the first few
Longings when they start
To express the first few
Longings when they start
Is it right to let her feelings
Rise to catch you?
Is it OK when her heart begins to fall?
Would you blame me if I
Wrap my words around you girl?
Would I wrong you
To say anything at all?
Would I wrong you
To say anything at all?
But if I wrap my words around you
Wrap my words around you
If I wrap my words around you
Would you stay
Would you stay, would you?
Wrap my words around you
Wrap my words around you
If I wrap my words around you
Would you stay
Would it play with your heart?
Am I a hunter if
I send poems to please you?
Am I a cad if
I mean everything I say?
Should I even let you know
This song's about you, girl?
Just because I want to see you smile today
And my words may bind you
To me much too tightly
You may choke on them if we fall apart
It's not fair to write a song to a woman
Because a woman takes a song into her heart
Because a woman takes a song into her heart
So let me wrap my words around you
Wrap my words around you
Wrap my words around you
Till you stay, till you stay, let me
Wrap my words around you
Wrap my words around you
Darling, wrap my words around you
Till you stay
Would it play with your heart?
lovely.
very classically written. lovely guitar. good manipulation.
i shall sing it to myself and dream all day.
as there's no one else out there to sing it for me. just myself.
there, a song that has nothing to do with a girl's looks! haha! that's nice.
Posted at 2:44:59 pm by Naedyn
Saturday, February 19, 2005
"you seriously should do something about your face. you look very plain."
i've been slapped in the face with a comment. not very nice.
i don't know how i'm supposed to feel.
how would you feel if someone said you seriously had to do something about your face because you looked plain?
she made me feel so damn fugly.
but he said not to listen to her. how can i not when what she said has been sounding in resonance in my head for the past few months? i was recovering and she rubbed salt on it. she doesn't know.
wish i weren't so ugly.
i love him, i do listen to him. i do all the time. sometimes it feels like he's just saying things to make me feel better, and it doesn't feel like the truth at all. because it's not. i know it's not.
but hiding from the truth won't help anyone feel happier. at most, it'll be just temporary. and when you're exposed to the hard truth, you'll find yourself deeper in depression than you were before. and somehow, facing the truth forms a dead end, shrouding you from the door to happiness. if you're lucky, you find more meaning in your life and a different (and more important) direction to head towards and head out all happy.
as for the unlucky ones - á la me - you get depressed and either drown in it and hit suicide or you get used to it and be pessimistic till you grow old and annoy the hell out of everyone else. which is good in a way, cos annoying hell out of people makes them good people... if you take that literally.
back to the topic...
my life is so fucked up.
i need money, i'm ugly, i'm struggling to keep my grades at As and Bs, i'm plain-looking, i'm tired, i'm stressed out, depressed, i'm fat, i'm a good-for-nothing according to my father, i'm ugly, i have a cracked LCD and i can't study properly, i'm ugly.
BEAT THAT! hah. betcha can't.
a lot of other depressing things aren't in that sentence, so it's not very accurate. it's only describing my current status.
oh time, if only you'd be generous enough to give me what i need.
if only.
Posted at 8:50:28 pm by Naedyn
Saturday, January 22, 2005
hooray. i'm blessed with a condition.
i just realised. i have major depression . or unipolar depression. or major depressive disorder. i have more than 5 of the symptoms, ever since... well, i've been having them for more than 2 weeks, that's for sure. i can't see myself ever getting out of it. damn. and no one really knows.
Posted at 2:11:06 pm by Naedyn
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
we're having a talk now.
it's this journalist who went to the tsunami-hit area in Thailand.
i'm trying to imagine the smell he's trying to describe.
his vocabulary seems to be a bit limited for someone from mediacorp.
*sigh*
i want to be there.
Posted at 1:10:03 pm by Naedyn
Saturday, December 25, 2004
:)
Posted at 7:45:36 pm by Naedyn
Friday, December 17, 2004
LET'S BURN OUR BRAS AND SLEEP TOPLESS!
today was a bit tiring, considering the fact that i hadn't had enough sleep last night. i slept with no top on (but had a blanket over) and i think dad saw me, i think he might yell at me today or give me dirty glares. the ones bigoted people give to low whores.
well, it's not fair that i don't get my own room, or the right to sleep with no top on. my boobs need to breathe man, they need to grow! look at them, they're like zits, all small and irritating! it bloody hurts to sleep with certain bras on, its like sleeping while hanging with one of those mountain-climbing harnesses around your abdomen. over the chest in this case. most of my bras don't even fit me, and my boobs usually feel a wee bit sore when i wake up.
but i did feel rather embarrassed. i was going to wake up before anyone did to put my top back on, but it was too late when i did. oh well. who cares anyway.
i'm trying to love myself.
i remember that i used to, but i doubt my love for myself at the present moment. it isn't that easy to accept the fact that something that used to seem so simple to me is actually bloody impossible. i thought i could do anything, everything. yes, however egoistic and boastful that may sound. i believed that i could be anything and everything everyone wanted to be. i believed that i could be perfect.
'what a silly girl!' - that's what you must be thinking.
'no one is perfect.'
but does that not collide with this? : 'practice makes perfect.'
alright. all i really wanted to do was become a model. but i just don't have the genes for it. i used to think i did, but i obviously don't. i'm:
- not tall
- not pretty (haven't got nice features: slim, straight nose, fullll lips, etc.)
- not long-legged, long-limbed, long-whatever
- not lean/thin
- ugly
yep, that's me. ugly. miss icky-face 2004. and 2005. and 2006. and 2000-forever.
so yes, it tortured me, it tormented my mind for weeks. i cried for days, telling myself how unbeautiful i was. and it still does hurt me, as i keep telling myself how i will never be able to fit in their criteria. never be able to do what they do. incapable of it. inadequate. ugly.
TLC's "Unpretty":
I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you?
Look into the mirror who's inside there?
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today (yeah)
My outside looks cool
My inside are blue
Every time I think I'm through
It's because of you
I've tried different ways
But it's all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I'm just trippin'
Chorus:
You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if it says so
You can buy all the make-up
That MAC can make
But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in a position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty
I'll make you feel unpretty too
Never insecure until I met you
Now I'm bein' stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things?
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you
And then i'll get back to me
i'll never be able to get rid of me. so i'll just live like this - depressed, hateful, resentful, inadequate and ugly.
adeus.
- tV
Posted at 10:27:34 pm by Naedyn
Friday, September 10, 2004
And now class is over... is everything else as well?
quite possibly.
i was typing quite confidently, keeping things in mind and trying hard to not let Tedsis' loud belch get in the way of my thinking. I was typing away. the JI can be quite a controversial issue to discuss. The conversation was going on smoothly, everything was fine and dandy.
and then it hit me. it hit me hard in the face. those words.
'what? what the f***????'
the emotional bank broke, the amnionic content of pain flowed out and sloshed about, refusing to squeeze out into teardrops.
'i will not cry. no tears will fall from these eyes.'
well, they won't fall because i'd rather get down to the bottom of the whole situation and find it out, from the horse's mouth. why did she do that? what the hell for? why has it been that way the past few days? is the unfolding before my eyes? i don't know how to tell the truth from my assumptions, they are parallel. we've discussed trust. it never ends though, does it? trust is quite useless for me now.
people don't trust me. neither me them.
work, damned mobile. stupid phone, you never fail to to your daily job, depressing me even more.
Shakira - Octavo Día
El octavo día Dios después de tanto trabajar
para liberar tensiones luego ya de revisar
dijo todo está muy bien es hora de descansar
y se fue a dar un paseo por el espacio sideral quién se iba a imaginar que el mismo Dios al regresar
iba a encontrarlo todo en un desorden infernal
y que se iba a convertir en un desempleado más
de la tasa que anualmente está creciendo sin parar
desde ese entonces hay quienes lo han visto
solo en las calles transitar
anda esperando paciente por alguien
con quién al menos tranquilo
pueda conversar
mientras tanto este mundo gira y gira
sin poderlo detener
y aquí abajo unos cuantos nos manejan
como fichas de ajedrez
no soy la clase de idiota
que se deja convencer
pero digo la verdad
y hasta un ciego lo puede ver
si a falta de ocupación
o de excesiva soledad
Dios no resistiera más
y se marchara a otro lugar
sería nuestra perdición
no habría otro remedio más
que adorar a Michael Jackson
a Bill Clinton o a Tarzán
es más difícil ser rey sin corona
que una persona más normal
pobre de Dios que no sale en revistas
que no es modelo ni artista o de familia real
mientras tanto este mundo gira y gira
sin poderlo detener
y aquí abajo uno cuantos nos manejan
como fichas de ajedrez
no soy la clase de idiota
que se deja convencer
pero digo la verdad
y hasta un ciego lo puede ver
Posted at 5:58:05 pm by Naedyn
Thursday, September 09, 2004
since i actually wrote something on here...
been busy, i haven't had time for much, i haven't had time for a lot of people, and for that, i'm truly sorry.
am i overworked? stressed? yes. i screwed up my VB UT4 this morning. will probably be getting a D for that.
just downed a tub of cheng tng in class... hope that whale of a security guard doesn't roll down here with her stare.
Posted at 5:51:02 pm by Naedyn
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Life for me today and some belly-dance natter...
i think i'll go for a goth-punk look this week.
come out now, eyeliner, black nail polish, black clothes, etc....
because depression has set in, and i don't mind looking like a fool for a week at least.
i'm aching all over, cos i went to the gym yesterday, and did a bit of weight-training, mostly for my arm, back, chest, thigh and calf muscles. and i ran a lot, might run more today, to forget the inner pain. or maybe not. i'd just wallow in it, like an elephant in mud.
the show yesterday was kinda shite, but i met people. eela, her sis and ramesh were waiting at redhill for me and i was late! they looked gorge, nice top and skirt/jeans and there i was drowning in my blue-and-beige XL-sized salwar. it was huge for me, it showed my pec-lines and made my chest look bare, so i had to wear a scarf and a chain. well i didn't want to wear anything tight, but i was toasting in that thing, it was hot. besides, the gym visit increased my metabolism rate and i was like a little furnace under a sweater or summat... ahhh nevermind! me and my lousy examples.
so we were hoping not to meet any old classmates or juniors there... but we met viki, janane and sandra... which was alright i guess, thank GOD at least there weren't any juniors! everyone was telling me how much slimmer i looked and how sweet i looked in a salwar, cos i rarely wear them. er... i think they were just saying those things cos they didn't know what else to talk about! viki thought it was wicked that i took up belly-dancing, and she kept saying how fat she was, but she wasn't fat at all, i had no idea what she was on about... wake up, viki, you're fine! viki had lots to say about what had been happening in her life and all... i felt that we all needed to catch up on things and go out for a coffee or something one day. she, ari, sha and i.
viki's ex-boyfriend came over to say hi, and there were loadsa guys everywhere... even kalai and venkat was there!!! hahahaha... kalai looked a bit taller this time around!!! hahaha and i called him cute, he didn't know what to say. hmm... ramesh kept wearing his shades, even when it was 7+pm in the evening, i wonder why!!! take them off man, you look fine! everyone does.
and it's been a week since the belly dance party thing, it was on last Friday (13th August), i haven't written about it on here yet, i guess i'll do it now.
i had a fantastic time there. first, i went to get my make-up done and i looked absolutely different with the gunk on! sab remarked that i could become a model and i wanted to say out loud "YEAH RIGHT!" but i just laughed cos it'd be rude if i did. cherl had her make-up on when she came, and she was really pretty, had a nice shimmery baby blue eyeshadow on her lids. i looked the opposite methinks, cos the foundation colour was paler than my skin, i think i looked like a mime. and my hair was conditioned and scrunched up here and there, my kinda increased in volume haha... but not to an afro! it looked alright.
julia's nephews were there helping out, they were about 16 or 17 or 18. somewhere there. they helped to carry the Arabian foldable couch (which is SO gorgeous) and the food and stuff. so alright, i got my make-up, jewellery on and went down with julia, with the veil wrapped around me, cos the audience isn't supposed to see my top till during the performance. not like there was much to see, it was a small top! i walked in and saw all those people, i was well nervous and jittery. and then i saw viki's mom, and we talked... about the school i was in and how i started learning belly-dancing... okay then, i left and waited a bit, julia started her speech and all that, telling the people to help themselves with the refreshments etc.... there were so many different people there, there were arabian women, americans, a few germans, chinese, north indian... i was like whoa... i just got more edgy... i'd never performed in front of a diverse crowd... seriously diverse... what would they expect from me? would i be able to fulfil their expectations? all sorts of thoughts ran through my head.
besides, i was the opening act. (Sab called me the most important dancer... hehe) and then julia announced that it was gonna begin, and i went to the middle, concentrating on my steps... i did remember to smile, but i didn't really look at anyone, just the directions to which my arms were going to and i made it a point to show emotions. it was quite easy, cos it was a sexy song! bigger hip circles, more flow... i just did my thing, i didn't screw anything up, i did it just fine! but i broke my toenail when i did the floorwork, because of the design on the tile. i didn't stop, i just went on. they were clapping and all, so i smiled and forgot the pain. everytime i did a backbend, they clapped, i was happy. eela told me later on that it kinda looked scary cos my backbends were low and i only balanced myself on my two feet, which were in bloody heels! it kinda looked like i'd have fallen backwards easily, but i didn't. oh, but the heels looked good. there were cameras flashing everywhere.
after i finished, i smiled at everyone and said thank you. i squeezed the shoulder of the girl who was going next, a little brit girl called sharon i think... she was like 8 and she was shy, but she danced so well. she did the floorwork like me... floorwork ain't easy, folks!!! i went to the ladies to take a look at my bleeding toe, i tried to dry it a bit with tissue, but part of the nail came off, so i just dried it a bit and hoped that no one would notice the weird shape. then i hung around to watch sharon perform, cos julia was gonna call me out again to demonstrate moves. one of her nephews gave me a drink. it was only Sprite! haha... i wrapped myself with the veil again, didn't like the idea of men feasting their eyes on my flesh after performing. darned perverted security guards!
so then it was my turn again, and i came out, veil-less. julia talked and i did what she talked about - hip circles, shoulder shimmies, hip shimmies, the number 8, the snake arms, the River Nile, the backbends (ooh, love it!), the shoulder thrust, the camel, hip thrust, 360degree actions and stuff... and the floorwork! i just bit my lip and did it again, oh my poor toenail. haha... =D
then it was cherl's turn, she did the drum and another one with the cane, it was really nice. she had a pretty costume, baby-blue and light pink! it showed her *cough* buttcrack though. sexy! haha, then eela got me a drink and i was talking about mixing rum with the drinks and she went up to the nephews and jokingly asked them "Where's the rum? You were supposed to bring the rum, where is it???" and they started panicking hahaha.... t'was funny. julia did a dance with the veil as well, and shook her booty for the crowd... =) then we had the finale, and cherl said "well, the show must go on..." after looking at my toe... haha... after that, we invited people up to dance and then we just danced and danced and danced... all the ladies came up to dance, i was up there, i pulled eela to dance along... and i taught some of the ladies the moves, and encouraged them on... it was so cool... the men danced a bit too, but they danced funny! haha... they should have dressed up in those clothes sheikhs wear... and dance with the stick.
after dancing for perhaps an hour or so, i ran to the loo with eela for a breather, and we talked about how the whole thing was going, and i was kinda hiding from everyone cos i felt so damn naked in the costume. it was very revealing, really. and men were looking. and we talked about how yucky my make-up was, i kept wiping at it, but it refused to come off - it was waterproof remember! i'd swipe it and say "See, it's not coming off!", swipe again and say "It doesn't want to come off! aaaaaaahhhhh YUCKKK!!" oh, and we saw julia walking around, and eela said she probably was looking for me. i was like, okay let's just hide here for a while, i don't wanna dance again just yet!
10 minutes later, i came out and sat down, had a bit to eat... like a slice of sausage or summat... and then julia beckoned me to come up again, so i did. and then we all danced again, all the women. her nephews hooted and cheered as we all danced, they did it for all the dance items, haha cheeky fellas...
and then julia got Ojos Así on for me and i did an impromptu dance for them hahaha... and i did the shoulder shimmy with the floorwork, something the crowd didn't really get to see before. man, i loved it.
i got to meet people, that nice german girl talked to me, she was pretty in my opinion. =) someone asked to take a photo with me. inside my head, i was like "omg, what's going on? this is way cool..." i felt like a star... =P cliché eh?? but i did!!! and we did a little dance for the german students cos they wanted a video of it. and so many pictures were taken... with me, julia, cherl, the other ladies...
when almost everyone had gone, i sat with eela and ate properly... since noone was sitting on that Arabian couch thing, i laid down on it, and tried to look like Cleopatra or something, and there was a little bolster, and i was wondering where to put it... behind my back, under my elbow, on my midsection... and then i just posed. it was wow... felt like a queen. and then one of julia's nephews came up to me and asked if he could take a picture of me lying down like that on the couch and i jumped up and nearly shrieked, i said "No! No way! And where'd that picture go anyway???" and laughed... i kinda scared him away, but i meant well! haha... her nephews were nice. i offered to bring the extra food home, i liked the food, i had no idea what the mushy gravy thing was, but i liked it. it was tangy and had spices in it.
then i helped to clean up, take the posters off the walls... untie the pieces of cloth that were on the pillars... everything was neat and tidy after that. i sat and sang some of Ojos Así.
went back up and changed into ordinary track pants and t-shirt. back to the same old boring me. and then eela and i left. i had loads to carry, so we took a cab home and talked like drunkards all the way back. we were only drunk with weariness, no more than that! i did see a bottle of vodka and some champagne or wine somewhere as well though! but nah, i wasn't drunk. i'm sure of it. i was just plain knackered.
and that was what happened. cool eh? i'm gonna be a star one day baby!
that doesn't change the depression i am in now though. bahh... adeus~
- tV
Posted at 4:26:18 pm by Naedyn
Monday, August 09, 2004
Happy 39th National Day Singapore!
dazzling fireworks!!!
-tV
Posted at 9:32:48 pm by Naedyn
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